Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Nation in Crisis--Hand Control

Dear America,

Fact: 100% of all child abusers, murderers, pedophiles, rapists, and lawyers have hands.

Fact: 100% of all cities where citizens possess hands have had a crime.

Fact: Possession of hands turns responsible citizens into maniacs.

Fact: That the victims also had hands just goes to show that hand possession is irrelevant in stopping crime.

Fact: If a law against hand possession is enacted, everyone, criminals and law-abiding citizens alike, will come and turn in their hands, just like they did with crack and heroin.

Fact: Once the criminals turn in their hands (which they will), they will have no other weapons with which to attack innocent people, such as teeth.

Fact: Those who wish to keep their hands for themselves obviously have some sinister motive. Obviously.

Fact: If you are attacked by a homicidal maniac, you will die a very dignified death without your hands, but will live in shame forever if you use your hands to survive.

Fact: Hands are useless for defense, but the military and police will be allowed to keep theirs.

Fact: Hands require so much training to use in defense that they are useless, but are easy enough to use that criminal who keeps their hands can easily beat the first random person they come across.

Fact: You don't need hands to protect you! That's what the police are for! (Why do you think they're allowed to keep theirs?)

Fact: Hands make no-knock searches, martial law, and complete control over the sheeple next to impossible. Which is why we should ban them.

Fact: Hands have no use outside of killing people. You will never, ever use your hands outside of the act of committing a crime.

Fact: Hands are weapons of mass destruction and must be banned.

I have proposed a ban on hands of all sorts, with special attention paid to hands possessing more than three fingers. This tool of hate and suffering must not go unchecked! Hand collectors will soon be coming door-to-door with axes to collect all hands not turned in at collecting stations. If that does not work, those no-knock raids we discussed will soon be coming to theaters near you.

Put our children first, my loyal subjects. Please do not dismiss this imminent threat.

Signing out,

Nate